weird and wonderful

I must admit i don't exactly know the definition of weird and i probably should by now, seeing 

 as i have been called it enough times.

I am not sure why i get called weird, but i do and so do the people i hang around with. Now i am getting called weird by people who don't know me and my best friends.

I heard people that don't know me think i am weird because of the way i dress, which seriously confuses me because i don't have an outrageously odd fashion sense, although i wish i did :)

I don't have extreme hair or piercings all over my face. So i don't get what they think of when they call me weird.

My friends think i am weird because of the way i am. Though my friends aren't meaning it offensively and i think other people are.

So when i was younger i tried to not be weird, i dressed how everyone else would dress and on non - school uniform days i would wear what i thought was acceptable.

However when i went into sixth form and we wore our own clothes i started developing a different attitude to not care what others said about me.

And on top of that i used to call people weird and i meant it as a bad thing, which is wrong but i did do it when i was younger.

And when i called them weird it was because they were people who stuck to their group of friends and didn't really socialize. Those people would be rather childish and still like disney and such, and i thought that was really weird seeing as they were being taunted by the people who thought they were weird, and they just didn't care.

Later on at school i became friends with those people i called 'wierd' and they are weird, but a good weird, they are cool and confident people who teach you how to not care.

That's when i gradually started forgetting about what those people thought you should wear and behave like and i did my own thing.

I even took it a bit too overboard sometimes, my main example was my year 11 prom. 

Of goodness i wish i could go back in time and have a sly word with myself.

You see everyone was talking about getting a tan and dresses that cost hundreds of pounds, with shoes and tiara's and i realized i wasn't into that at all.

So i bought a £40 dress from New Look and then shoes which were probably £10 or £20 and then some cheap jewelry.

The most amount of money i spent was on my hair, i went to a local hairdressers and had it curled and dyed, it cost £85 and i am happy to say it was the last time i will go to a hairdressers.

(now i dye my hair myself and i let my best friend cut it, risky but it works)
I got home and looked in the mirror to find my hair was curled, yes, but i have naturally curly hair and there was literally no difference. And i couldn't tell where the dye was.

My main aim at prom was to look completely different to everyone else, so instead of a tiara i wore a mini hat on a headband.

Everyone said it was really 'me' but i disagree, i looked horrendous and hilarious. On my next prom i am going to play it a little differently.

To finish off what i am trying to say, i mean that i aim now to be seen as weird and i am automatically attracted to those who are weird too.

And if someone called me weird with a sour tone i wouldn't see it as an insult, but as a compliment,

I mean come on, my biggest inspiration is Lady GaGa and she is 100% weird. I believe weird people are wonderful and creative people who know how to be themselves.

And i hope that one day those people that frown upon anything out-of-the ordinary will one day relax and be more open minded to the weird people out there :)

Pink! It's my new obsession

My favourite ever band is aerosmith :)

And i recently started getting seriously in to their song pink.

It is so catchy and cool.

"Pink, it's my new obsession

Pink, it's not even a question

Pink, on the lips of your lover

Cause pink is the love you discover

Pink as the Bing on your cherry

Pink cause you are so very

Pink is the colour of passion

Cause today it just goes with the fashion

Pink, it was love at first sight

yeah

Pink when i turn out the light

and Pink gets me high as a kite

and i think everything is going to be alright no matter what we do tonight

You could be my flamingo

cause pink is the new kinda lingo

Pink like a deco umbrella

It's kink that you don't ever tell her

Pink, it was love at first sight

yeah 

Pink when i turn out the light

and Pink gets me high as a kite

and i think everything is going to be alright no matter what we do tonight

I want to be your lover

I, i wanna wrap you in rubber

As pink as the sheets that we lay on 

Cause Pink is my favourite crayon"

I was never a fan of wearing pink, i used to be a real tomboy with what i wore, but then as i grew up i started wearing all kinds of stuff.

My first pink item that i remember buying was a pink jumper which has Barbra Windsor on the front, apparantly the picture is an icon scene in a programme or something :)

I also purchased some fake converse's when i was about 13, they were light pink and i loved them, however my friends would laugh about how i would say i loved converse trainers but didn't actually own a pair. So when i was older i got a pair :)

Which were also pink...

So continuing the pink post.

When i was younger i was obsessed with listening to Pink (the artist) her album misunderstood i thought was amazing, and i still really like her now.

And my last pink thing is i have a disney princess pillow which too is Pink.

<3

STEVEN TYLER

Fairytales

Most girls love reading fairytales and we all love the idea of having one of our own. though perhaps our fairy tales aren't living in a castle on top of a hill surrounded by woods with animals that talk to you. And maybe you wont ever actually run off in to the sunset with a boy you have only know a night. But the thought of being completley blissful is a fairy tale within itself.

And i think that is what most people want in life, your very own fairy tale and a story to tell.

And you can adapt a fairy tale way of thinking in to your life.

There is normally the boy you want or now you have 

The girl that tries to spoil anything you have

The person that tells you you're nothing 

and that self confidence that doesn't appear until the end of the book.

This may just be me but pretending reality is something else, such as a story makes everything seem much more exciting. I once thought i did that because i love writing and i was trying to find something decent to write.

Though if you are going to something that isn't appealing to you and makes you nervous, perhaps the make believe will help that, if you think of it as a moment in a book.

As i want to be a writer i write all the time, everything i think of turns in to a short story, and all my friends and family ask to read them but i don't have the courage to show anyone.

And one of the stories i thought of i genuinly think with some hard work and good writing could one day get published, this story is a fairy tale, however it is a dark fairy tale with monsters and terrible evil events happen in that book. Though surprisingly i have never written a rough draft of this book but one day i hope i write a draft that actually gets published.

What i find appealing about fairy tales is there is always a character that has potential to do great things but is trapped in a place that puts them down and stops them achieving. Then they have a person who always tells them they can achieve until one day they find the strength and belief in themselves to get out of that trapped place and be who they really are.

And there is something very right about that!
Because in life when you are young or perhaps when things mess up when you're older, you get trapped and you feel like nothing can help you, until that day when you realized you're the best thing ever and you can do whatever it is you want.

One thing i always want to know is that if i achieve my goals in life i can say i did actually believe in myself. 

Which is something i tell everyone around me to think like, even if i have to bang it into their heads until they know they can do anything.

That is my perception on fairy tales and comparing them to real life.

TODAY WAS A FAIRY TALE!

Being Happy

Being happy is probably the most important thing in life, because if you're not happy then something is seriously wrong. And recently i have decided that i am going to put my happiness first, above everything else that i am thinking about a situation.
For example, me quitting my job was one of the best decisions i have ever made, even though it left me with limited money and nothing to do on the weekends. However i was trapped in a shell of thinking i wasn't good enough and i had some extremely hurtful things said to me whilst i was there, so i took that bad thing out of my life and i am trying to find it's replacement :)

I used to have a really realistic view on life, like i would look at a situation and make the most out of the outcome. I wouldn't get down about things that upset me, instead i would think about it for a while and then decided what i was going to do to help myself.

This was a really good way of looking at things and i managed to help myself and others whilst thinking like this.

And then i don't know what happened for me to stop thinking like that, so i am now trying to return into that state of mind rather than this one.

I used to be really excited to start a new job and when i did i wanted to be the best at it and completely prove myself and several others wrong :) As for now i lost my confidence in thinking i will be good at anything.

I'd like to say goodbye to this silly phase i have been in for a couple of weeks now and open my eyes to the bigger picture, as i am only in the beginning of my life and i have so much more to experience.

And on top of that i have a collection of people around my that will help, and even though i do get annoyed at some serious things that are going on, i am going to try and focus on my dreams and my own happiness.

Being spontaneous can really make a difference to your life i believe. I love people who don't have money but go shopping anyway or should go to work but takes the day off to do something fun.

Me and some friends are thinking about going on holiday next year so i have been looking over some websites and then i see the last minute bookings and i would really love to one day  just decide to take off somewhere.

Also i love when you are debating whether to do something or not, like dye your hair or get a piercing and instead of thinking about it, you just do it.

As long as it isn't badly affecting anybody else if you want to do it, do it.

In universities they have these spontaneous clubs, i am not sure what they are called but you sign up at the beginning of the year and you give them your mobile number. Then at some point in the year they text everyone a place to be and the amount of time they have to be there. And what you have to do is drop whatever it is you are doing, even if you are in a lecture or at work and you have to go to this place and do whatever or go wherever they want you to go.

that sounds really fun to me, i'd love it.

So now i am going to start getting myself back on track and remembering that i have a lot of nice things in my life. And i refuse to be down about silly things now and i am going to leave this negative time behind me and work on the days ahead.

:)

Owls

It is late exactly 00:23 as i write this and for some reason i am thinking about Owls. They are my favourite animal because they can nearly turn their heads all the way around and they are nocturnal :) I think they are really cool as well! 
The other month the village i lived in had a fun day and there was this stall that had a few owls from a animal rescue shelter. If you donated some money you got to hold an owl, so i did and it was fun. The owl climbed all over you :)
I would like to volunteer in an owl rescue center, i think it would be a really nice thing to do.

I found these pictures and think they are proper cute. I feel like an Owl right now because i really need to go to sleep as i have school tomorrow, however i regrettably drank a coffee a while back so now i am not tired at all.

I even told myself not to drink it, but i did it anyway.

<3

My new obsession

This guy ^^^

Jared Leto.

I love 30 seconds to Mars and seeing them at Leeds Festival 2011 was awesome.

The best song is by far the kill.

They didn't film anything from Leeds Festival but this is from Reading Festival 2011, which is the same festival.

:)

And this is the performance of 'the kill'

Though i don't remember him going into the crowd this much at Leeds.

And MCR.

of course i am listening to these bands music so much more after seeing them live :)

I thought they were great and can't believe they were bottled in 2006 at Reading Festival :)

My love for the sea.

The sea.

I love the sea <3 I think the sea is a truly magically and peaceful place to be, it is so nice to lay in the sea or even just look at the sea, even if it's through a picture.

The sea holds many wonderful things and if i could i would buy a huge boat and go live on the sea, so i could go wherever i liked.

Or of course turn in to a pirate, which i would probably do.

Last year i went on holiday to Lanzarote and for a few days we walked to this little beach that had huge rocks and the greenest water.

That's where we snorkeled, i found some cool stuff whilst i was doing it and seeing all the fish was great. It would be wicked to go scuba diving, it's on my list of things to do before i die.

There are some beautiful animals in the sea and in all honesty i am really not an animal fan, however i find it so great how there is an entire world under the sea.

I remember when i saw a jellyfish once, it was round about the time that a certain type of jellyfish had swam into Spain and they were deadly, i was holidaying there when we found one washed up on the beach.

My favourite animal is the Killer Whale, i would love to go whale watching :)

TREASURE!!!

I'd love to find some treasure in the sea or ocean, because i could just imagine how much undiscovered stuff there are in there.

Shipwrecked boats and chest filled with gold and jewels, when i start writing my books there is bound to be a load of treasure hunting and finding in there.

The holiday i mentioned further up and the cool stuff i found were simply just sea shells and rubbish but i told myself it was treasure :)

One day i plan to organize a huge party and send the invites in little bottles. I think that would be wicked cool.

I am going to buy a cute little box and fill it with vintage jewelry and sea shells

And of course pirates fit in there somewhere, i know the idea of piracy is a tad bit out dated. But that doesn't stop me reading my books and thinking that piracy is a reasonable careea choice :)

"What a ship is, is freedom"

CJS <3

It is also extremely important to respect the sea, it is a dangerous place that can cause fatal accidents. With all the wild weather out there and the fearful animals that live within the waters, i am always weary whenever i am near the sea.

I have heard way to many horror stories to not be, but it doesn't stop the sea being my inspiration :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When it really isn't your day

So i was feeling a lot better at the beginning of the week and now i have dropped right back down. I feel like as i go through my life i am not getting anywhere! I really don't belong at my school anymore and some of my past decisions are slowly turning in to regrets.
And today i completely let my misery get a hold of me so i didn't go to school, i just sat at home and tried to make myself feel better,
I thought that having a job interview was going to brighten my spirits however it really didn't.
Well the interview itself was successful and i was offered a trial on Saturday night, which would result in me missing a birthday but i tried to think positive. Until the guy told me it would be a ten hour trial and then if i got a job i would have to work 5pm - 3am every Friday and Saturday night, which really doesn't fit in to my school work at all.
So regrettably i am going to have to ring the gentleman up tomorrow and withdraw my application. Which sucks because i really want a new job, but not something that extreme.

Perhaps one day everything will finally start falling in to place right.

You see the only thing i have ever and will ever be good at is creative writing, i am very creative and i dry and adapt that in to all parts of my life. 

And i just now i will become miserable if i end up leading a normal life, because it just isn't want i want.

I believe if you want something bad enough you can achieve it, i like to keep that in mind when everything is going down hill like now.

It is just one of those times that even though you have so much stuff around you that is positive, like my family, friends and boyfriend. There are certain things bothering you that you cannot sort out and you have to wait till it passes.

All i can hope for is a great weekend around the people that make me happy and remember that everyday i am closer to what i want the most and the life is for living not wasting it away being sad.

Although it is nice to curl up in bed and watch a film, i like to do that when i need to be alone.

One of my favourite films at the moment is Valentine's Day :)

Back to school blues

Going back to school today was more horrific than i expected! Especially when i was looking forward to returning for my last year of secondary school. The upsides were that Halloween, My birthday and Christmas are in the upcoming months and that i finish school in May, so i don't even do a full year.

However when i arrived there i was greeted by the same people who still stare at you when you walk in the room and judge what you are wearing, i was given great deals of homework and found out i am now 100% alone in one of my lessons.

To top it off the private space for sixth formers at my school as been transformed from it's comfortable state into a new modernized version of itself and seeing as i wasn't looking forward to it much anyway, now that i have spent time in there it really isn't nice.

Continuing on with a real downer day the weather wasn't what i was hoping for, it started out bright and sunny something you want to have on a new day. Then fairly quickly there was a down pour of rain that continued through out the day, quite like something you'd receive in December rather than September.

As i slouched through this unbearable day i then had something after school to attend to - though it was my own choice - i ventured into a nearby town to do some well needed job hunting, something i don't mind doing normally because i feel like i have achieved something    when i have gone out searching.

And although i did find a lot of job opportunities, walking around in the rain with the wind blowing your coat about and your bag too heavy because it's been loaded with new school books, made my experience pretty negative.

Therefore i retired early and treated myself to some blackberry lucozade and a peppermint cream bar. Luckily the bus was in the station and i was soon home for some tea.

Then there was the need to just sit down and talk to someone, tell them your problems and listen to their advice then talk about something completely off topic to make you forget why you aren't feeling too good.

That was on the top of the list to cheer myself up, however i couldn't get in touch with the person i wanted to talk to, so i am now going to go to bed still in a blue mood hoping that tomorrow is a happier day.

Let's just hope i get settled in to school pretty soon, it's not surprising i am getting fed up of being there, i have been there longer than i was supposed to.

<3

Dreaming

Dreams are so weird i think. I mean they are little videos you see in your head when your body is fast asleep. It is crazy, i love dreaming i think it is wicked waking up and having this dream to reflect on. I have several dream catchers around my room to help me have nice dreams rather than nasty ones.
In fact i rarely have nasty dreams at all. I one day would like to buy a book about what your dreams mean.
I used to study psychology at school and we were taught about dreams at one point and that subject suggests that dreams are things that have happened or are going to happen to you in real life. Though of course this could be highly exaggerated in a dream and be turned into something strange when the meaning is fairly simple.

There are all different sorts of dreams;
Those you are thankful to wake up from and those you try and get back to sleep because they were pretty good and you missed the ending.
We dream thousands of dreams each night but will only remember one or even none. 
It is very frustrating when you wake up from a perfect dream and after a few seconds your memory of it is wiped clean and you can't recall what happened at all!


I started a dream book a few years ago in which i wrote down some dreams that i wanted to remember. I have no idea where that book has gone to now because i lost track and forgot to write in it. But here are some dreams that i have always remembered.


1. My horror dream
This dream occurred many years ago. I, my sister and my step mum were all police and was driving up to a farm house in the middle of nowhere, the issue was a crazed man inside the house needed to be taken to the police station.
We pulled up outside the house and i was told to guard the front door and my step mum guarded he back whilst my sister went inside.
Then i heard a scream and we all ran away from the house, the man we had been trying to arrest was chasing after us in a dirty, red jeep.
We rushed into some crops so he couldn't see us and waited for the car to go, then we found three bikes, so we road them right off a cliff and landed in a village.
We headed to the bus station to find my dad and tell him we were being attacked.
When we arrived we couldn't find my dad and so we got on a bus to our house, relieved we sat back and glanced over to the bus next to us to find my dad was the driver. We all banged on the window to get his attention though he couldn't see us.
Then i looked around the bus to find it was filled with hill billies and we were being taken to that mans house to be killed.
So we started banging harder on the window and nobody saw us, until eventually the bus drove away with us in it.


2. My vampire dream
I was running around a field that had a really high wall trying to get over, then my boyfriend who was Edward Cullen came rushing over and asked what it was i wanted. And somehow i was trying to get to the shop for some sweets, so him being a vampire offered to run and get m e some, so i waited where i was.
Then his family showed up and started preparing me to becoming a vampire. In the dream i had been bitten though it was a three day process and on the third day i would miraculously wake up a vampire.
Then my boyfriend showed up again and Alice Cullen rushed into the house next door to mine and ate somebody, i was horrified.
The rest of the dream was them continuing to prepare me for my new vampire self.

Believing

If you don't believe in yourself, who the hell is gonna?

This is something i like to ask myself when i am feeling like i can't achieve my goals.

I have constantly been shot down when i have told people about my dream of being a best selling author and this is how i see it, the more people that criticize you the more likely you are to prove them wrong. Because if you are being told what you want is impossible or you are incapable the more you want to achieve it. 

The most important thing is the first step to success is believing in yourself, this is true because if you don't believe that you can achieve want you want then how are you ever going to achieve it?

Now the book i have wrote; and i am continuing to develop and change, i first thought of when i was 13-years-old and i am now 18-years-old and i still have the biggest faith in that book becoming a best seller than i ever have had.

This isn't because i am big headed or think my writing is top shit, it's just that when the people put me down nobody else is going to say, stand the hell back up.

And we all know it takes one minor comment to put a person down, even a 'yeah right' can destroy you momentarily. However it's that self confidence that turns that disappointment within you to a you just wait and see.

Therefore i constantly touch wood, wish upon a star or prey to whoever is listening and most of all keep telling myself that one day i will finally be in my element and doing exactly what i am best at.

Of course i have a few stepping stones to cross before i reach that, but the journey is the thing people ask you about when you have achieved, so that needs to be just as great.

My stepping stones.

1. Finish sixth form

2. Get together a portfolio of my writing

3. Go to university and study creative writing

4. Begin my writing

5. keep myself alive whilst i am writing

6. Make it happen

One of the things i say the most is "When i am famous for my writing you are going to wish you were nicer to me"

Of course this is humorous because of who i say it to, but i mean it :)

Stay hopeful ;)

September

September is here.

As much as i hate to say goodbye to the summer, i love September because it is soon followed by the winter and that season brings so many wonderful things such as my birthday, Halloween and Christmas!

Today i went back to school to enroll into year 13 - my final school year - after having resat my year 12 due to utterly rubbish grades.

And this year has already begun positively, my grades were dead on, even though i am choosing to resit two exams to achieve a more solid grade.

And my enrollment was quick and easy because of this, i also received my timetable for the year and that is great, and finally at school we have a new lounge. I had a quick look today and wasn't too impressed, it is far too modernized which has resulted in lack of seating space, i preferred the old and more comfortable lounge.

I have a list of things i am hoping to achieve by the end of September :)

Firstly, settle back into school with a new and motivated attitude.

secondly, find myself a brand new job.

thirdly, buy the beginnings of my winter wardrobe 

fourthly, get a new tattoo

and finally dye my hair.

Some of them are far more important than the others.

This is also the month that it starts to get really cold and dark earlier, i love getting in from school and grabbing some hot chocolate and then a warm shower.

There are a few things the month of September welcomes to me :)

Hot chocolate

Porridge

More bedding

Reading The Twilight saga

Cinema trips

Rain 

Wrapping up warm

Watching movies

Excitement for upcoming events.

Please be good to me September :)